The worship center was filled as we walked into the back, but there were seats in the middle closer to the front. I led my wife and daughter as we left the shadows of the back and walked toward the light streaming from the front. As I began to settle in, I noticed several things and took a moment to dwell on each one.
I noticed several people worshipping with hands lifted high. I glanced over and saw my daughter smiling and singing. Worship was radiating from my wife beside me. Soon they hugged, and I could hear both of them say “I love you” to the other.
I noticed the worship leaders as they sang and led us to God. Then my eyes fell just a little from the center of the podium to the first row of chairs. I focused involuntarily on the first chair of that row in the middle of the church. It was “the chair”.
The chair.
One day I sat in “the chair”. I remember sitting there, feeling full of despair and loss. Then people began to walk up talking to me, so I stood out of respect for these friends. They were saying things to me, but today I can’t remember any of the words they spoke. I can remember the faces, but the words are gone. The faces were all sad. I was sad. I was in pain. I wanted to leave, but I had nowhere to go.
Soon someone said to me, “You and your family need to come with us.” We gathered in a room behind the pulpit. Someone prayed, and we lined up to go back in the worship center.
Standing there I looked up to see Jonny and Jim wearing suits and ties. I was confused. I had never seen either of them in a suit before. Jonny would be singing moments later to lead us in worship, and then Jim would preach. Now, standing in that hall, my mind was stuck on their suits. I had been in such pain and despair, but suddenly I felt numb. No pain. No joy. No nothing. I was just numb.
I heard someone say, “Let’s go.” I walked forward. We entered the auditorium, and someone pointed at “the chair”. I sat down and looked around. I could not understand what was happening. I was there, but I felt nothing as the funeral for Pam, my wife, proceeded.
The feeling of “nothing” lasted a long time. Days became months, then a year – then more days and months sprinted past me.
It was late fall or early winter when I first walked back into that auditorium again. I had worshipped in the auditorium next door, choosing not to enter this room again. But that day I came back to find my friend Jonny.
I found him putting away his guitar and getting ready to go home after leading worship that Sunday morning. I forgot that I had chosen to stay out of this place for a long time because I wanted to talk with my friend. There was so much to say, and I needed to hear his words. So, I forgot about the past.
Jonny was talking to someone. I sat to wait for him. I guess I subconsciously avoided “the chair” as I sat in the one immediately to its right. When he saw me, he came and sat… in “the chair”.
As tears filled my eyes, I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. Jonny knew that I had met Tammie. He knew that we had been out a few times. Yet, I had not told him anything about her. I had only introduced her to him.
He did not know that I had a two-hour prayer time with God wrestling over the love that He had given me for her. I was shocked when I realized that I loved her. The immediate feeling was like cheating on my departed wife. I soon reconciled that feeling with reality, but there I sat on that morning still feeling the conflicting emotions with tears streaming down my cheeks.
Jonny spoke, breaking the silence. Sitting in “the chair” he said, “You want to marry her, don’t you?” I nodded my head, “Yes,” as the tears flowed even more. Then he smiled and prayed boldly! It felt as if his words were suspended in time so much so that they still hang in my memory today. He prayed fervently that God would accomplish His will in our lives.
Today, I looked at “the chair” … sitting beside my wife, Tammie, understanding that life is full of pain, grief, love, and joy!
Blessed be the name of the Lord!!
…..“Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I shall return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” Job 1:21