Light barely streamed around the door from the soft light in the other room. My eyes slowly let the light deep into my being. Waking to a new day, everything was fresh and new. My wife hugged me as she walked through the room to go get dressed.
It’s a good day. Then suddenly the date emerged in my mind. It is the fourteenth of January. I slowly transported to the same day thirty years ago. It was rainy. It was different. Nervous excitement was in the air.
It was a celebration. My twin sons are grown men, Army veterans with four children between them, but on that day they were boys of eleven. My daughter, now the mother of two, was just a little girl. They all beamed that day, excited and dressed for the occasion.
Back in the present, as my memories take a break, I see my wife, Tammie, dressed and ready for work. She brings a smile to my face. I feel the joy of her presence and love.
Memories, like the light, flood back now. I could stop them, but I have learned that is a poor choice because they will come anyway. If they are not allowed to come freely, they will force their way to the surface. The forceful geyser of grief and memories is more painful, so the gentle bubble of memories is best, like a river flowing by.
The memories….I barely recognized her all those years ago as she walked toward me. Her hair was much different than I had ever seen, and she was not wearing her glasses. We danced that day. She is dancing now. Yet I am here with tears.
Grief comes amid the happiest times. Even as I rejoice in a new day with my wife of six months, I also grieve my wife of twenty-seven years. My heart knows both joy and grief in the same moment.
You ask, “Is this weird?” I would have thought it was when I was young and had never experienced grief. Then, life shows us a different reality. Joy and grief are often companions in life. As you allow both to flow freely and mingle together, you find healing.
Thirty years ago today, I married Pamela Joy Hartman. She became Pamela Joy Baker, my wife of twenty-seven years, six months, one day, seventeen hours, and one minute. Each and every second was a gift from God’s very nature.
A gift of love.
The featured Image “Snowy River” in the header, is copyrighted and used by permission of Tammie C Baker