The day began in the pine paneled den with a brick fireplace. The room reminded me of the den where we lived for eighteen years. That made the memories flood all the more. I remembered all the years that we raised our children in that house and the countless hours we spent between the pine paneled walls in front of the fireplace. But, this house, was my son’s house. His den instead of the one where those cherished memories were made. Now, I was sitting alone wrestling with the memories and the days gone by. Joy was gone.
Grief is a relentless pursuer. It will find you and bring those memories whether you want them or not. It is best to allow them to visit and process through, but it’s hard to do. I had been through months of pain from loss that complicated my already existing health problems. All of that had brought about anxiety. It all seemed so insurmountable then, but looking back today gratitude fills my heart. That was last year on Thanksgiving Day.
What can God do in one year if you let him? Miracles!
I was so sick in front of the fireplace that day last year. Everything in my body seemed to be on fire. Nothing worked as it had, or even as I thought it should. Slowly the doctors made progress. It seemed like we would never find the source of the problem, but day by day and week by week we uncovered the multiple things plaguing me and solved them one by one.
I prayed for healing, desiring it all at once. I thought I needed relief now, but God brought it in stages and steps. I did not see the progress many days, but looking back it was coming along every moment.
This morning, I sit here in my home with great health.
I am thankful.
I felt so alone in that den a year ago. The pain of loss, combined with the holiday, left me empty inside. The graciousness of my son, his wife, and my grandchildren surrounded me, loving me, attending to my every need, but I could not feel love as I had in the past. The warmth of my family was there, but I could not touch it.
They all did their best and I loved them for it. Still, something called God’s time has to come before we can feel what we used to feel.
We get to choose to hold the pain and loss locked deep inside, or hold it in an open hand – letting it blow away as the wind of time and love flows over and around us. How long it takes is dependent. How fast can we move the pain from the vault inside to the open hand – it is up to us.
Today, I am surrounded by those who love me in a place where loneliness is no more.
I am thankful.
It was a dreary day outside the windows of the den last year. In reality, I don’t know what the weather was like that day. I just know what my eyes saw. We see with our eyes, but the mood of our mind colors everything like a filter that changes the photo. The filter changes what really is, to match what we feel in the moment. The filter of loss makes everything dark and dreary, but seasons change if we let them.
Fall was brown and cool. Winter was black and cold. Spring was green with bites of cold, but warming day by day. Summer brought the heat and burned away all of the filters in my mind.
Fall returned in all its splendor this year. My favorite season had come back. There I sat on the mountain, in a chapel carved into the hill. A breath of fresh air sat beside me. We gazed at the wonder of God’s artwork in the colors of the fall trees, feeling the unfathomable love that only God can bring to our life. Joy had returned.
I am thankful today.