Sitting in church on September 4, 2022, I was much better, but still feeling the intermittent pain of my wife’s passing. Pam was bright in every way. She stood out in a crowd and people were drawn to her smile. They soon found her to be a loving person who was generous with everything and everyone. I loved sitting with her in church. I could feel her love as she worshiped. Now, I sat in a different spot and put my arm around my grandson.
At one point the music leader said, “We want to take a moment and pray for our youth who are on a retreat today. Please join me in prayer and if you would, lift your hands to God as we lift our young people to him.” I am a little picky about how I raise my hands in worship. I feel that I am both giving and receiving in prayer and worship, so I lift my hands palms up and open. As I lifted my hands and opened my palms, my mind flashed … I was instantly back in 1994.
In April of 1994, I had fallen hopelessly in love. I was scared out of my wits! I had been married before, and that ended in divorce. Why did I let myself fall in love? What was I thinking? I had promised myself that I would not get married again. I decided that it would be just me and my children from now on. After all, a single dad has no money or time for love and dating. I must have lost my mind …. but Pam was so sweet, a beautiful friend, and just plain lovely.
“Yep, I am head over heels in love,” I said to myself. It was like I had zero control of myself at all. But I was deeply in love. Now what? Did she love me as much as I loved her? If so, then what – marriage again????
Where do you turn when you are as scared as I was? You pray.
I prayed on my way to work. There were no kids in the car, and it was probably the only time I had any quiet in a given day. So, on Interstate 77 between Rock Hill, SC and Charlotte, NC, I prayed about this brown-haired beauty that had captivated my heart. In that time of prayer and reflection, I considered her independent nature and the dependence on God that I recognized in her life. Her spiritual life was inspiring to me. Realizing that she belonged to God, not me, now I knew what and how to pray about her.
The car was hot, and the anguish inside me as to whether to hold on to this girl who I loved or not was eating me up. As the traffic came to a dead stop in what they call rush hour, I lifted my hand palm up. I pictured a tiny Pam standing in my palm. I lifted her higher and prayed. “Lord, she belongs to you, not me. I love her. You know that, but I will not close my hand to hold her. You decide. Take her or leave her. The choice is yours.”
I prayed that prayer twice a day, every day, as I drove to and from work. I was still praying it after we were engaged to be married in July. When had I stopped praying it? I don’t know, but it was sometime in the 6 months between the proposal and the wedding.
I suddenly snapped back in my mind to the prayer we were offering for the youth. I was back in church in 2022, and I had somehow only missed a few seconds of the prayer. After church, I tried to move my mind on to other things, but I kept being drawn back to the open-hand prayer from 1994. I argued with myself that recalling it would be too painful for me now. Still, I was drawn back, over and over.
Finally, at 6:20 PM in the empty kitchen of our home, I burst into tears. The moment had come. I had to let the thoughts roll. I prayed again, “Lord, I can’t stand the pain of these thoughts. Why must I think about it?” As I calmed and prayed, I remembered the hospital ICU room where she breathed her last breaths.
I remembered that I was waiting to see if she could fight more to pull through. I questioned myself as I remembered the scene. Why were you not praying for God to miraculously heal her? I knew the answer. Her body was worn out and tired. Pam and God would have to decide. My place was to love her and pray. I remembered the prayer now.
Twenty-eight years later the prayer was the same while Pamela’s body gave out. “Lord, she belongs to you, not me. I love her. You know that, but I will not close my hand to hold her. You decide. Take her or leave her. The choice is yours.” Then God reached down with all the tender love of a father and gently took her out of my open hand.
In that moment, I realized that I had never closed my hand on Pam. God was allowed to take her from my palm whenever he wished. He chose July 16, 2022.
Knowing you, and Pam, God saw you guys and reached down and touched both of you. I’m glad that I was able to connect and form a special bond with both of you. You are a true, husband, father, Grand father and friend, living thru God. Much love for you and Pam.
Brad,
That was one of the most beautiful things I have read in a very long time.
I am very familiar with the kiss of my family, my mom died in 1990 at 52 years old, shot by my step father and I had to fly to West Palm Beach and sign paperwork on September 15th 1990 to have her taken off life support because the 22 bullet went in her left eyebrow and just damaged her brain . Both my sisters Linda and Susan passed away, Susan at 47 years old 2 year younger went in to the hospital for a kidney infection and it was bad, they put her on dialysis and she had a heart attack and died, Linda 2 tears older died at 55 years old of pneumonia. My dad died on December 22nd 2020 from also a lung infection.
Margie my daughter was a twin and her sister died at birth and the nurse handed me her and said I want you to hold her than took her and gave me Margie to hold..
I have a short poem Or saying I read and give to people that who are grieving.
Grief never ends … But it
changes. It’s a passage, not a
place to stay. Grief is not a
sign of weakness, nor a lack of
faith …. It is the price of love.”
I have held on to this and it helps but the pain will always be there and that is probably why I chose to look at the positive things in life and try not to get angry and upset.
I believe that everything has a reason, we met for a reason,
Love you Brad and I am always here for you if you need someone to just listen.
Love it, Dad! The Lord knew, the Lord put all things in motion and the Lord placed Pam in our lives at the moment that we all needed her. I thank God for Pam, I thank God for his kindness, his mercy and his grace, it was through Pam that God showed these things to our family back in 1994-1995. She was the gift of kindness, mercy, grace and most of all, love.
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